In the Beginning

Since we married, we never used any birth control because we both want to have kid(s). I used to think that having a child is mechanical: you get married, have sex, then you have your children. As simple as that. But, weeks after weeks, months after months, turned calendar years, and still, no baby. I questioned myself: what's wrong with me? Or, is it something wrong with Loel?

I started to learn more about infertility from internet. I bought a bunch of ovulation test, check my BBT(basal body temperature), carefully made chart and marked out calendar so we both know when was good time for baby-making-sex. It stressed me out and I know Loel, too, felt same thing. Sometimes I thought he felt as if he was a sex machine, who has to be 'ready-to-kick in' when the time comes. But, he never complained, he's been so supporting to me. He even bought me Ovulite as my birthday gift. This is a lipstick-like-ovulation-tester. But, still no baby.



The Problem(s)


I was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst a year after I moved to the state. It was on my left ovary and the size was 3.5 cm. I did not do follow up check up, as my obgyn advised, thinking that it may go away with my vegetarian diet. When we went back to Indonesia in 2006, I asked Loel to go to a fertility center in Surabaya to have both of us examined in order to find out what cause this infertility. Doctor found the cyst in my left ovary -about 1 cm bigger than it was- might be the culprit. He prescribed me with birth control, Yaz. This will help ease the pain and may reduce the size of the cyst. I took it for 4 months, I had regular period and no pain. But, still no baby.

After four years trying, we started to think about doing artificial insemination or, even more sophisticated, IVF (in vitro fertilization). September 2008, we went to obgyn to discuss about ART (assisted reproduction technology). Doc was happy to refer us to infertility expert. That was before he found a lump on my tummy. He ordered an USG test and the result was: 12cm cyst on my right ovary! He suggested a surgery to remove the cyst. I was shocked, we didn't prepare to hear this. So, Loel told doc we want to have second opinion.

I went for not only second opinion but fourth. All suggested that the cyst must be removed through surgery. And consider the size, the procedure would be an open, major surgery. The thought of having my abdomen cut open scared me to dead. I goggled to find natural treatment for cyst. I ordered e-book from 'www.ovariancystsnomore.com'. The guide said the method should give a positive result after 2 months of diet.

December 2008, I went to my obgyn to check whether the cyst had decreased in size. Ten days before, I did Novena prayer to seek for solution for my problem. Doc ordered a CT-scan followed up the USG result. The fact was even more surprising: the cyst was still there, it was even bigger by 1cm. I gave up, that e-book diet did not work for me.
Considered all the positives and negatives of the surgery, I decided to do it. Doc made a schedule for me in January 20th, 2009. Then, I arranged sick leave with my manager, Sandi. She is a big supporter to me.


Post Surgery

Surgery went well. Doc removed my left ovary since it was badly damaged. The cyst seemed to be benign and my right ovary is normal. I recovered pretty well post surgery and we were all very happy. But, two days later, doc brought me a bad news. Pathologyst found some cancerous cell (called clear carcinoma cell) on the ovary that was removed. It was like a lightning struck on my head. I was not prepared to hear anything like this. Doc refered me to an obgyn oncologyst for further treatment.
Entering Texas Oncologyst building, I felt like I was really sick. Our meeting with doc was even more sickened me. He planned to have me chemotherapied for 6 months, followed with 'exploratory' surgery where I will be cut open from chest to abdomen. It was horrible! All for something that may even not exist (FYI, there's no device nor test to see if the cancer cells are still inside my body, not until cancer cells are metastated to some limit where they become viable for tester). And until all the procedures done, I cannot have a baby.

I was so devastated with the fact that I had cancer. Looking back to when I took care of my dad who then died of lymphoma non-Hodgkin, I've never thought I would go through the same path as he did. I told Loel, I did not want to go with the treatment. I don't want to destroy my body with all those chemical poison (eventhough Doc convinced me the drugs are very safe, still it's poisonous). I would rather change my diet and just live my life to the fullest. I started meditation and yoga again. I picture myself as a healthy woman, I tell myself I'm fine, and I have to keep it that way, and things will be alright. I put all the bad thoughts at bay and focus on my long life dream: having a family of my own.